Monday, July 30, 2012

Jonathan Coulton Conspiracy Theory

                I have a theory about Jonathan Coulton. Here it goes
     So, I’ll just give it to you straight… Jonathan Coulton wrote all songs. Every single one of them. “Music” is Coulton’s brainchild. Once he writes a matched pack of songs, he silently hand-picks people to perform these songs, serving as a proxy, as to not let his secret identity out. What is Coulton’s secret identity? A Musician. Freaking genius. It’s like hanging around the scene of the crime. When he appoints these individuals to perform his music, he makes sure they have an assumed style as to make people think that these appointed people(s) composed the songs independently. To make sure that people stay off of his scent, he makes “bad music”. Nickelback is his greatest success in this field yet. Plus, he has a great sense of humor. We know that. As sneaky as he is, he still releases his best music under the doublesudonym “Jonathan Coulton”. Greedy bastard. It’s double because it’s a fake name that’s not a fake name. Genius. He usually sports facial hair, as he does not have the time to shave. He's writing music. He trains people like Samuel L. Jackson to be badasses so that the general public will pay attention to someone else. Being able to anticipate everything, he went and did the most ambitious thing possible. He knew that people would soon try and write their own music. What he did… he wrote every song in advance. What could “in advance” even mean in this context? No one really knows. The great thing is, he doesn’t ever file lawsuits about it because he is a nice guy (Unless maybe it was stolen from “Jonathan Coulton” because he worked really hard on those). Next time you’re enjoying a nice tune, just know that Jonathan Coulton wrote it. Appreciate.

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